YoUr IgNoRaNCe cRaMpS My CoNvErSaTiOn

2011-12-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

也许我的犹豫和挣扎
是因为不确定
虽今日对他有好感
但是否就能
爱他到终点

当童话以不再完美
当人生风雨吹起时
我两还是否能
温柔对待对方
是否还能手紧握着手
记得当初
对对方许下的承诺

2011-12-04T20:07:00.000+08:00

不知为什么
心中有种莫名的感觉
仿佛这三个星期的离别
即将改变些什么
对他的这份不舍
也许是因为
围着自己心中的那堵墙
已逐渐的倒塌

2011-10-30T09:05:00.000+08:00

不想伤害他,但也必须保护自己。

2011-10-28T17:39:00.002+08:00

Felt like my left and right were blocked out, leaving only the path ahead to walk. And he is just pushing me from behind.

Did think once that this would bother me.

But gradually, I begin to enjoy talking to him. Being interested in anything that has to do with him including the mundane of how he spent his day. Looking forward to our next outing. Anticipating him to sms me.

Like what a friend has correctly pointed out: the way he pursues is like a kid. It is almost like showhand every date. And the one good strategy that he probably has is his sincerity.

Towards this guy who seems so simple hearted and serious in his pursuit,... ... ... ...

2011-10-11T12:06:00.000+08:00

Both are so extreme in their personalities.
One is passive, gentle and perhaps a tad too patient. Another is pretty aggressive in the way he pursues and probably does not know the beauty of pacing.
One is a gentleman who knows his place and boundary. Another makes use of any chance to push the boundary.
One has such a gentle spirit that I have very much to learn from. Another seems to experience emotional entanglement through the fighting of internal and external battles.
One elicits the best behaviour from me. Whilst I’m just being myself in my interaction with the other.

2011-10-09T12:09:00.001+08:00

Hmm..guy B.

Assessment: Troubled in spirit. Emotional,possibly having poor emotional regulation as evident in him turning to drinking as a coping mechanism. Most likely a people pleaser. Insecure? as he repeatedly mentioned that he wonders how come i took some time to reply his sms/email. Probably very interested in pursuing this friendship as he blatantly mentions abt future outing.

Hypothesis:could possibly be a clingy lover, resulting in a stifling relationship.

Recorded by
The anti social. worker

2011-10-07T16:21:00.001+08:00

因你的沉默，进退我无权选择。
也许将来这将成为我两的遗憾；也许这也只是我单方面的感觉。
这沉默是如此的温和，却又是如此的伤人。

2011-10-06T20:57:00.001+08:00

Meeting guy B this saturday.

Thereafter, maybe it's time to take my vow of celibacy.

2011-10-06T09:30:00.000+08:00

有些事很不想去执着。也不想去找寻答案。如同弥漫在空气中的灰尘始终会落地的道理一样，时间会说明一切。无论如何, 上周六与你共度的时光,将会像童话一样, 烙印在我回忆里的书。

2011-10-05T14:57:00.000+08:00

Not in love. But in agony. Guessing if the other party feels the same way. Mind tormented; kept in a guessing game. 于是猜疑与疑问交錯怕是怕这好感只是单方面
我可望的是晶莹剔透的感受。

2011-10-05T11:55:00.001+08:00

Slept for 11 hours yest. I could have slept more. Wonder what is with this fatigue and tiredness. With regards to his “man of few words”personality, I guess I’m affected by it. Spoke to a colleague about it. She said some people are naturally not so conversant in emails/sms and the fact also shows that he is at least attentive to what I’m saying during our first date. Well..but which girl wouldn’t like it if her guy is able to be more conversant even in emails and sms? So with regards to this, I guess perhaps my 11 hours of sleep yesterday could have been a sub-conscious way of escapism. Feel like burrowing a hole in the ground and burying myself into it. Perhaps even to renounce the world. Or..take my vow of celibacy.

2011-10-04T16:29:00.001+08:00

What if there is this seemingly great guy. Almost too good to be true. And if I could summarize him in 3 words, it’d be “attentive, sincere and gentle”. And if I could summarize him in just 1 word, it’d be “good-natured”. His gentleness is amazing, beautiful..a trait that I have a lot to learn from. The way he is so gentlemanly, putting others before himself, his steady gait..which made me pretty mesmerized. To the point that I just cant get him out of my head ever since our first meeting. During that one encounter, the way he took care of me, the way he showered me attention, the way he spoke, the words he said, the way he smells, the way he looks have been replaying on repeated mode in my mind. But the thing that torments me most is that I don’t know how he feels. Towards the meeting. Towards our friendship. He is a man of few words. He doesn’t express his emotion. And so I am kept in agony, thinking whether this feeling is mutual. Thinking whether his gentlemanly ways is his ways of showing his interest towards me or is he just being gentlemanly?
Sigh.

2011-09-06T17:24:00.001+08:00

If there is ever such a thing called pre departure/holiday anxiety, I think I am experiencing it right now.
Time check: 2 days before my flight to Tibet.
Mental state: Struggling to be stoic
Trigger for mental state: Failure to obtain Diamox, a med against altitude sickness
Physical state: Still recovering from flu with occasional feverish feeling
Spiritual state: Trusting God all the more for safety and protection

2011-09-01T20:08:00.001+08:00

Utter disappointment. How could one actually edit one’s profile by omitting the religion part. So that the net cast can have a wider scope? AS THOUGH having the same faith/religion is something that can be so easily compromised.

2011-09-01T12:23:00.001+08:00

Case of the mistaken identity? Maybe he is not that messed up. At least not as messed up as that particular blogger.
Still..it cant negate that fact that he is now a lonely man, having just gone through a heartbreak. And from the way we’ve been chatting, he could just have been very well attracted by my words.
Right person, I don’t know? But wrong timing, that’s for sure.

2011-08-31T10:55:00.001+08:00

-Following up on the previous post, realized power struggle is not the worse thing. The worse being that this is someone who is probably still nursing a broken heart, have unfinished business that are not resolved. And perhaps because the loneliness was too hard to bear, this fuels the desire to get into another relationship. And guess what would be the likely outcome that results from it according to Bowen family theory? The person will act out those unfinished business in the present interaction with others. Esp since the heartache happened at most 3 months ago.
Not trying to be over-analytical here. But these are the signs. It would be foolish to ignore them.

2011-08-29T12:31:00.000+08:00

I think I have met my match. Which may not be a good thing because I sense power struggle. This he seems so alike me, academic wise and the way he communicate. Which may not be a good thing because I sense tussle of power.

2011-08-26T17:57:00.001+08:00

Been thinking, pondering, praying these few days about this. Been so restless thinking about this topic till I woke up at 1am two days in a row. Almost like being jolted up from my sleep by these racing thoughts.
What have I been thinking about? That how I have also applied this outcome oriented mindset to this particular aspect of my life. What is this haste? This desire to achieve some sort of a outcome? What should constitute an outcome in this instance even?

2011-08-22T14:26:00.001+08:00

This really bizarre. I responded to this guy who sent me a virtual greeting to want to know me better. We had a few e-notes correspondence and he told me that I look familiar but he cant seem to put a finger as to where he has met me before. It’s bizarre because when I first saw his photo, I vaguely recall that the first thing I exclaim was that “he looks familiar”. Yet like him, I too cannot recall where I could have known or met him.
Well, he told me that that was not a pick-up line. Haha..maybe. But I guess I’m already at that age that I’ll take whatever guys tell me with a pinch of salt. Maybe he says the same line to every girl he wants to know, who knows?
So I did research online about this strange phenomenon whereby we both think each other looks familiar. (Well, I didn’t tell him that of course). And this particular article said something which really blew my mind, it describes this phenomenon as “a soul recognizing another soul”.
In other words, could we be each other’s soul mate?
Strangely also, I have no sense of rush to want to progress our e-note exchanges to something a notch higher i.e. SMS. It’s like..there’s this strange sense of calm and patience towards this whole process. I’ll just reply back whenever I am free and just let things run its natural course.
I guess this is really resting in God?

2011-08-16T17:21:00.001+08:00

I did the unthinkable. I actually activated my account at the SDN website and uploaded my profile + photo. Ha.
And within 2 days, someone sent me a virtual greeting indicating that he wants to know me better. I checked out his persona and well..what comes as a pleasant surprise is that his personal description seems to mirror that of mine. But as I looked at his photo and considering if I should take 1 step forward..I realised there’s a resistance that is stopping me from responding to the greeting.
As I dug deeper into myself and processed with myself this behaviour, I began to realise that perhaps after the last relationship, I seemed to have build up a wall of defence around me. Around my heart. I am afraid of being hurt again. That it’s no longer easy for me to give my heart away. That even if I could meet the perfect person, someone whose personality traits/habits/hobbies I am looking for, I will stop short of taking that one step ahead.
Because it is like taking a risk. Putting 1 leg into a thin layer of ice, not knowing if I would fall in or if I would be able to stop myself from falling in.
Another thing stopped me from responding to the greeting too. And that is..I have not set right my relationship with God. I have not put Him as my priority. And because I did not seek his counsel and his plan for me in the last relationship, that relationship started the way it started and ended the way it did. THIS time round, I do not want to go according to my own plan, own will. I wanted to ask God if even taking this step is permissible for me. Because if I hadn’t set right my relationship with God, then all the other relationship with others will not be right too.
So I prayed. Prayed for God to give me a revelation. Some signs. An indication of His plan.

2011-07-18T17:33:00.001+08:00

Received another complaint today. This time round, Boss had to tend to client because clt requested to speak to him.
I begin to realise that there is a certain pattern. A certain profile of client that has a higher propensity to step on my toes. To make my blood boil much more than it usually would. The characteristics of such client are:
-late for appointment/don’t stick to schedule appointment time
-gave the appearance that they take it for granted that I will be available for them always
-housing issue
And for each of the characteristics listed above, there is a reason why each factor irked me. The first two has to do with my discomfort at people crossing the line as I would perceived it as people taking advantage of me.
The third factor has to do with my helplessness with such cases. If client is here for financial assistance, they are many resources to explore and tapped into. But housing? When the answer is no, it usually means no. So what else is there to appeal/help? Am I appealing just because it satisfy the client’s need to see that centre tries/worker tries? What if I don’t even agree with client’s reasons for appeal or that I don’t think this is a strong case that warrants appeal? Why appeal when you already know what the outcome is? So that you have done your part and client has nothing to say against you? Then again..I have had client who throw their anger at me when the appeal fails because they think you didn’t try hard enough in the appeal. Arh..how do you measure effort here?
Begin to realise that my complaint case tends to congregate these recent months. I wonder why. Is this another season? Or is it due to my increasing frustration about something?
Boss shared with me something today that I think is the reason for my tears. I am not really too sure if it really is the reason..but somehow the word “grace” just resonate in my mind..long after he finished saying what he was saying. He mentioned that client when faced with stressful situation might tend to be hardened up and is ultra sensitive to dictions used. But when he went in the session, he did the TLC thing and client mellowed down even to the point of crying. Anyway, that is not the main thing that stood out for me. What stood out was that at the end of the session, client and client’s sister realised that it was their stress that is causing them to react the way they did, and they apologised. Both to boss and to me. Client even extended an handshake to me.
With regards to my highly organized and structured nature, boss mentioned it is a strength but when done to the extreme can constitute a weakness. That is when I enforce laws rather than grace. When boss debrief about this with me, he said that because grace was extended to client rather than force, it embarrassed client so much that she apologised. Embarrassed, not in the negative derogatory sense but rather it caused client to reflect on her own outburst earlier on.
I guess my tears fell because I am reminded of this grace. God’s grace to me. Boss’s grace to me. He could have easily reprimanded me because I did after all, used a word that has a higher propensity to offend. I told client we did not have a “magic house” for her to stay. But He and he didn’t.
My tears could possibly have to do with the fact that I still have so much more to learn. That like what mum always said, I have a personality that is neither patience nor compassionate. It is amazing how I even ended up in such a profession. In other words, my personality is in direct clash with that which is needed in this profession. I have a sucky personality, one that is filthy like rags. I guess I am also ashamed of this personality. I even asked boss just now how can I ever change? How?
And he told me to pray and the answer lies in God’s love. Sounds good but yet abstract and so far away. How can I have self control when faced with an outright unlovable client?
Most important question is this just a season? Or will this complaining trend continue?
Sigh..what is wrong with them? Or with me?

2011-07-13T17:57:00.001+08:00

Today I was so shocked during corporate devo when my name was called when they were announcing who got nominated for the cutting of the album. I mean me? Hello..erm..me? As in me? Seriously..me? You got to be kidding..me? I am very shocked and it’s..me?
Seriously..its really a joke can. Don’t know what is the ultimate sabo-er who will sabo me into this can? I mean, if you’re talking about statistics..writing research..looking gloomy..then I’m good at those. But singing??
And who has heard me singing before? I mean yah..aside for that once in a blue mood time where I co-lead Friday devo with RC. Oh well, then actually that can mean that many people has heard it. Oh well.
For the amount of time that is needed to cook cup noodle, I was rooted there and engrossed in my own shock as the whole company looks on. Ok..not totally engrossed because there are times where I turned around to people seated around me (never mind if I know them or not) and asked how could it be me. Yeah..I was that..shocked.
In fact, so shocked was I that after devo ended, a colleague commented that I looked so shock as though I was struck by lightning. *Actually that is a very funny joke but not that biggest one cos the biggest one is the fact that I am nominated for singing*

2011-07-12T18:05:00.001+08:00

Emotions finally settled over the weekends. Went back home Friday still crying. It is more than sadness, it is grief. How should I describe this feeling? It is a heaviness that no words seemed to alleviate. A feeling of emptiness that no material thing seems to fill, not even watching tv or eating my favourite food. My heart ache too..not a physical discomfort but somehow it doesn’t feel good.
It is as though someone turned on the running tap implanted in my eyes. I couldn’t control it. I didn’t want to cry like this either. But it was just uncontrollable.
*flashback to last Friday after clt’s dg called me to tell me about the death*
I put down the phone, hoping this isn’t true. Yet something inside me tells me that this is the reality that I’ve been dreading. Client’s dg wanted to meet me so I booked a slot in the superdiary. I talked to a colleague about the death, minus the full emotion. I distracted myself with many things..before I went back to my work station. It was there and then that I got this sickening feeling. It’s the same feeling I felt when my pet died, or when I broke up with my ex boy-friend. This, must be the feeling of loss. My spirit became depressed and I have a sudden urge to cry.
Time check. 4pm. 2 more hours before I go home. Should I tahan and go back home to cry? Should I look myself in my workplace toilet and cry?
Just when I was contemplating which is a more appropriate move, Boss called me into his room about something. Inside, I was already dying to tell someone about it. When we finally finish with the agenda he has in mind, I poured out the news to him in an almost technical, doctor-like manner. “The client I told you about. The one I visited at the hospital. (shifty eyes) She passed away yesterday.” A slight smile broke across boss’s mouth. As though he already know the emotions I am experiencing and that the technical deliverance of the grave news is a form of defense mechanism. He asked me how did I know. And before I could sustain the technical demeanour, I raised my hand to indicate that I needed to recompose myself. And when I attempt the answer his question, my voice choked with emotions. And in between my choking and attempt to speak, I narrated the happening. And I remembered saying “the saddest thing is that the dg is not able to be by the side of the mother when she breathe her last. Dg wanted to buy a fruit cake but client will never get to eat it”.
My heart pains to know this. Because the central theme of this is regret and guilt. The combination of these 2 emotions is enough to kill. Regret and guilt are the most unbearable feelings in the whole spectrum of human emotions. Because these seeks to torment the person and will almost never be alleviated unlike feelings like hatred, disappointment.
Learning point: If there is anything one is harbouring, be it a friction/argument with a particular someone, better set the relationship right today, right now. Because you will never know what is going to happen to you or even the other party tomorrow.
Another learning point: Anyway, by the time I am at my deathbed, all these nitty gritty things will not even matter anyway. By nitty gritty things, I mean things that transact during the course of my earthly life. Things that I didn’t bring into the world in the first place, and so will also not bring back with me when I become dust. Using this frame, I suddenly feel that a huge burden is being lifted off me. Because hurts which I am harbouring because of unforgiveness or anger because I felt because I rightly feel think someone has transgressed me suddenly seemed unworthy of my time.
Facing this death of my client seems to set a lot of records straight. And untangled a lot of knots. Priorities became clearer such as what are the things in life which is not worth my time.
Like my colleague has rightly pointed out, God seemed to fast-tracked my learning process. Maybe this is his way of using circumstances to teach me, mould me.

2011-07-08T15:26:00.000+08:00

My client passed away. My client passed away. My client passed away. My client passed away.
Her daughter just called me to tell me her mum passed away. Yesterday at 10:15am. And she said she didn’t have a chance to bid goodbye to client for the last time. Daughter had wake up at 10am thinking she wanted to buy a fruit cake for client. Because soon will be client’s birthday and the hospice had told her to bring forward the celebration because client is not looking good. But before daughter could go down to hosp to present to clt the cake, client passed away peacefully in her sleep. A ritual was held yest and client was buried at a cemetery.
Daughter was left speechless and could not speak until today. And she just called me.
What’s wrong with this season? Why so many depressing thing?

2011-07-08T14:16:00.001+08:00

such events really zap the energy out of a person. Or at least me. With all these hustle and bustle and loud brass clanging, one can suddenly lose oneself. In the madness of things. Till you don’t know how to react. If I don’t smile, people wonder why I’m so black-faced. When I smile (when I don’t feel like it), people can tell the fakeness of that smile straightaway. Wonder if I ever have the privilege not to turn up for such event?

2011-07-08T11:18:00.001+08:00

Crazy fellow. Irritating rather than edifying. Precisely what verse 1 of Corainthian 13 is talking about: a sounding brass and clanging cymbal. Whatever. I’ve fulfilled my role of leading 2 devotion this year. Till next year..no more agony. That sounding brass and clanging cymbal out of my ear.

Now..directing my focus towards that tibet trip..

2011-07-07T13:56:00.001+08:00

Yeah. My dep date tour group has been formed. My eyes literally brighten up when I see the status “on request” at the chan brother website. Now the only thing which can possibly constitute an obstacle will be the continued closure of Tibet up till Sep. Otherwise, it looks set that I will be literally left breathless at the roof of the world.
But first..let me get through tml. A pretty much dreaded day because it evokes painful memories of what happened the 1st time I led devotion. Boss even came and tell me not to be stress about it. Ha. I told him I’m not that stress. Which is true. For now.

Comfortable in my own skin

2011-07-06T17:49:00.001+08:00

Been handling a sudden surge of clients who are crazy/unreasonable lately that I think the practice I’m getting is indirectly causing my self regulation to up a few notches. Not that I’ve perfected this craft but I feel that even if a land creature has been in the water for long enough, it will somehow adapt/assimilate to being in water. Even when it is a land creature. Ha..Darwin’s theory of evolution succinctly sums up the (awkward and much resisted) transition between schooling and working life.
Today after clinical sup, it sort of confirms this maxim that I’ve always been operating from. That if you know your stuff well enough, you will be respected. Or at least your presence will be felt and your views will be asked for. In short, there is power in knowledge.
I guess the pivotal point comes in the social report I have submitted for a cham cham case which was reviewed by her. And like what AC said, this could well be one of those better quality social report they have come across. In a way, I’m happy. That I have proven my worth or at least my quietness now will not be seen in such negative light. Because though I may be quiet, but when I speak, the words bear weight.
In a way, the course I have attended by Clarke M. really helps. Cos I could apply it to the case that was being presented today and I was able to consider other dimension which are vital to the understanding of the case. At the end of the sup session, she even commented that I talked in a similar way as her. What a great and grandeur compliment.
1 year into this profession, I felt that I have grown. But somehow this rate of this growth is more accelerated in the past few months than it did in the beginning. Recent events/incidents could also have been a catalyst for the growth. And these are interestingly, not pleasant events but negative ones. Rough waters do indeed toughen up swimmers eh?
Feel that I’m more at ease with myself now. Yest when a colleague prayed for me and my case, she prayed that I will learn not to strive on my own effort but to rest in God. Not that I even know this colleague very well but she is able to tell that I have strived too much. Or maybe the holy spirit told her, I don’t know. Anyway, that seems to be my biggest problem. Striving too much, on my own effort. Because there is this hidden need to prove to the world my worth.
When I said I am more at ease with myself, I do not mean that I strive lesser now. Because I still do. Compliment, like those from her, still drives me. But what I meant by being more at ease means that I’m more comfortable in my own skin, to say what comes to my mind without fear. Not that I am being rude, but rather I’m more congruent now. And such congruency brings liberation.

1st July marks my first year of work

2011-07-03T10:41:00.002+08:00

Am now already a one year old social worker. The past week has been an eventful one. As though it is God's orchestration of events to bring my 1st year of work into its climax.

Had to handle a super nasty and challenging client last friday (which is also my first year of work exactly). This client was previously another colleague's case. But client complained against my client and requested for a change of worker. So the case was transferred to my charge since Feb.

Am able to work with this client fairly well as I spent the 1st session setting the stage and spelling boundaries/rules explicitly (of course in a nice way). But client was retrenched 2 months ago and that seems to be the trigger for her (suspected) personality disorder.

Found out from the other agencies which she is known to that client is actually very manupilative. Has a tendency to twist and turn one's words. And in my session with her last fri, she was very rude and even rejected the FA we are giving her, claiming that the amount is too little before storming out of the room.

A subsequent phone call conversation with her later had her twisting and turning my words and shouting at me as she exclaimed "why are you speaking to me like that?"

That really pushed me to my limits and it was such a nasty encounter that I teared after putting down the phone. Thankfully, ND saw that and asked me if I wanna talk about it.

Thank God for such a great workplace neighbour. Talking to him about it later makes me calm down alot. Something he said really makes sense : objectively speaking, not all cases are this nasty. 75% of our clients are nice. This is just an exception.

That awareness of such statistics seems to put things into perspective. It is just...her. Not me. Not the other agencies. Not the previous colleague who was complained by her. It is just......her. Her personality.

Anyway coming back to the topic for my 1 year anniversary, it's been an eventful year. A 1st year for me to put things into perspective. To get a footing of how things are in this profession.

Its also been a year of many first. Had my first client under my charge. Saw the first naked man. Recieved my first complain case. Gone for my first overseas trip. Recieved my first pay. Recieved my first bonus. Publish my first research article. Saw the first dying person.

Tussle and the revelation that results

2011-06-30T20:11:00.001+08:00

It’s amazing how God uses circumstances to help me derive my own answer to my own question.
This post is a continuation of my previous blog post on my hospital visit to my client. After I went home that day in a spirit of extreme sadness, I was greeted with a big brown envelope from NUS. A smile broke across my face. THIS, could be the thing I am waiting for!
I squeezed the unopened envelope with my fingers. Feels like what I am expecting to receive. And a strange sort of heart flutter I experienced when I finally opened the envelope, revealing 2 journals. Great! I am now officially the co-author of an academic journal.
Feelings of jubilation and excitement rushed through me. Thoughts of who to tell the good news, how to tell the good news raced across my mind. This, is the personal success that serves as the source of my motivation. Isnt this the personal success which I have been yearning?
Yet amidst the happiness, why do I get this down feeling? This certain weight that seems to be causing my otherwise flying spirits to fly lower than what it actually would. It must have been client’s impending death. In other words, client’s failure.
A few weeks ago, I voiced out during appraisal this tussle which I am currently experiencing in this season. About how client’s success (if any) is not my success; whilst client’s failure becomes a hotbed for my self doubt. I like successes to be mine, my own.
So why now is it that having my own success does not give me that sense of accomplishment which it should have given me? Why does client’s failure seems to impact me more than my own success?
I guess it is by no coincidence that God had wanted me to experience the 2 extremes of emotion within a single night. In fact, within hours apart. I think I have never experienced the such pendulum swing of emotions within such a short period. It is maddening. It is overwhelming. But most importantly, the orchestration of the 2 events one after another, is God’s way of providing a platform for me to confront my own tussle.
Shared with boss how I always derived my motivation from results. And he told me to change my paradigm by drawing my motivation from God; from the large purpose in life. I wondered how to make the change..
So the orchestration of events that night made me re-evaluate what do I consider important in life. What makes client’s impending death such a great event than my own success story? It’s because death is irreversible. When death comes, there is no turning back. No second chances..no more bargaining power..no more what ifs. Death in itself, is final. It’s a finale of all matters on earth.
Whereas producing a research paper..or for that matter, getting that prized electronic gadget, or going for that longed-for holiday, these are things that if I cant accomplish it today, I can always do it tomorrow. When we fail to achieve these things now, we may for that moment be devastated; but there is in fact always hope that we can try it tomorrow, next year or in future. So the failure to achieve these things, no matter how devastating it seemed, is nothing when placed side by side with death itself.
This newly constructed perspective which I have derived caused me to realise how small my daily problems are. Here I am whining and complaining about the nitty-gritty when actually, all these problems would have been nothing by the time I am on my death bed.
And when I am on my death bed, what are the things that would really matter? I guess besides worrying about the pain/having to leave family members behind, the other thing that would matter most would be the future of the soul. Where does the soul go where it would spend its eternity appears to be the only question worth its weight to be in the same line of discussion with the topic death itself.
At this point, it seems what my mum said makes sense. If human achievement/human praise (which is of worldly value) can already send me on clouds nine, imagine the extreme jubilation that eternal achievement would bring. When souls are won and saved..imagine how all the angels in heaven would rejoice and party.
The question I am asking myself now is: Are the things that I am doing daily now adding eternity value? Or is it adding only worldly value?

Face to face with death

2011-06-29T11:51:00.001+08:00

I never thought I have to confront death so blatantly. So in the face.
Yesterday, I went to KTP to visit my client. When I reached there, the family members were busy discussing family matters at a corner of the ward, so they were not at the bedside of client.
So I slipped in and got myself seated at a chair by the bedside. It was then that I realised that I have never in my life had a one to one encounter with a dying person. I was all alone, with the fragile looking client. And being alone when one has to face a dying person, makes it all the more intimidating.
I wasn’t really sure what I should be doing. Client looked drowsy, her eyelids looked closed but there was a slit in between where I could see her eyeballs. Lifeless, listless eyeballs. I don’t know if she is sleeping, is she drowsy or is she in coma. I didn’t want to touch her, I didn’t want to call her, I didn’t want to wake her up. She might be really tired. I’m not too sure.
And so there I was, all alone with her for a good 30 mins. I was rather awkward. I didn’t know where to look. And because I was so conscious about myself, my presence beside her, I started to have heightened awareness of my surroundings. I noticed that family members of other patients in the ward were looking at me. They must have find my behaviour strangely..awkward. I started taking out my phone to fiddle with it. I had to get myself occupied. Suddenly, the distance between me and client seems too awkwardly close. Too close for comfort. I pulled back my chair. Hoping for some physical distance..some space leeway so I don’t have to face death so blatantly. I didn’t know what I was doing with my phone too..my mind was in a whirl..
In some pockets of time, I begin to take a look at client. Her hair, grey and dry. Her skin..looks darkened, not really pale. She looked calm..but it must be tough physically. Her shaggered, sunken silhouette. Her sunken listless eyes that seemed to have no purpose or direction. Her peripheral vision limited to only where her head is positioned. Her lifeless body..which seems to starkly contrast her breathing, heaving chest. I could almost see her heart pounding against her chest. Struggling for life.
Then she looked up. She seemed to gaze at me. Her eyes were full circle. Awkwardly, I stumbled myself forward and managed a weak “Hello, Mdm S”. The life from her eyes ebbed away, as suddenly as they lightened up for a moment just now. In counselling term, she has just given me a flat affect. I felt ever more awkward.
Then client’s daughter’s boyfriend managed to break away from the family meeting. And he came and sat beside me. It was a comfort, a huge relief. We started chatting.
It was this time that client became fidgety. She was making this gesture with her right fingers which I could not really understand. With her forefinger and thumb, client kept repeating the same gesture as these 2 fingers as though she wanted to pick up something. We knew that she has some need, some intention, some thing she wanted to express but unable to. It makes me feel frustrating too.
We did the trial and error. We pulled up her blanket, but she still did the gesture. So we pulled down her blanket. Still she continued her gesture. We tucked out her shirt. But that wasn’t what she wanted. Client’s daughter’s boyfriend reached out and held her hand. But she surprised me when she flung off his hand.
Seeing this action, there was a small voice inside me telling me to reach out and do the same. But I struggled internally, wondering if she is going to flung off my hand too. Ouch, it would have been terrible to be rejected by a dying patient. Does she even recognize me?
Still, I did what I was prompted to. I held her hand. It felt strangely comforting..to feel her warmth. And the way she reciprocated, the way she held my hand, is as though that was the thing she wanted. It was not a tight grasp but it was a firm grasp and she tapped me with her thumb repeatedly. Client’s daughter and her boyfriend then repeated to her several times my name.
But there was no expression on her face. It’s as though she knew..yet did not know. I heard that her condition has deteriorated rapidly within the past 1 week. It started with her confusion which led her daughter to admit her into hospital. At first, she was still able to respond by sign language. But now, she totally has no respond.
I read her medical report. It looks depressing. Primary diagnosis: breast CA. Secondary diagnosis: Bones, brain and lung. Tertiary diagnosis: hypertension, hyperlipid, DM. In other words, she is sick, from head to toe. I have never seen anyone, this sick.
Yesterday I read a book about death and dying. And there was this particularly beautiful sentence which seems to sum up this medical complexity: “because the illnesses cannot be stopped. So the patient’s body is stopping”.
Mdm S has been a good fighter. A warrior. I know she is tired. But still she is fighting on because of her daughter. She is fighting for that one more living second to be with the daughter. Her daughter told me that ever since admission, Mdm S has never sleep. She would close her eyes briefly, then open them again. Perhaps she is fearful that if she sleeps, she might really go for a deep sleep..
Prior to the visiting, I was still wondering what to say. But when I finally became comfortable at the close proximity with a dying person, the words just came naturally. I told client that she has been strong. That if she is really tired, she can take a rest, her daughter is just beside her. But still she did not.
Looking at her, I feel tired for her. I would have given up long ago. But Mdm S, being the fighter that she is, is still fighting, even when things seem bleak. I salute her for her bravery, her courage, her sense of responsibility towards her daughter.
I feel sadness. Because I know her prognosis is not good. That death is irreversible. That I might never have a chance to meet her, to talk to her again. Being at the ward for 2 whole hours, I feel helpless. Because there is nothing I can do to make her well or to at least alleviate her pain.
The best I could do..is to let her know my presence. That I want to walk with her in this last leg of her life…

What to you say to a dying person?

2011-06-28T10:39:00.003+08:00

Never thought I have to conquer death so blatantly in the face. In my line of work. At this moment.

I've known this client for almost a year. She was one of my first few cases. Its a case I advocated pretty much for..when it comes to getting a HDB rental flat. Felt anger that time when my appeal for her was rejected. The reason being that she has advanced stage cancer and her daughter being under 21, will not be able to retain the flat. This same cancer which she has been battling..is finally taking a toil her her now.

Its a beautiful and courageous battle she has fought..is still fighting..but maybe not for long.

It came as a bit of a shock..to hear that her condition has deteriorated so much, so fast. Hospitalisation for complication arising out of her illness is nothing common, she has been hospitalised several times over the course that I've known her. But this time round..it seems different. Strangely different. As though..it would be her last hospitalisation...

Heard from the daughter that client's cancer had already spread to her lung and brain. Both are vital organs. It doesnt take an expert to know that maybe time is really running her for her...

Been thinking about this news ever after I went home yesterday. Many thoughts cross my mind. I suddenly saw a vision of her..just her face..pale and lifeless..totally zapped of life. Lying down. Oblivious to what is happening around her. She was dressed in a yellow baju. Wouldnt say that I'm very shocked about this bad news..but still..when I imagine her being dead, like really dead..it's a different story. It evokes a strange kind of emotion. And a few months ago..she was still able to come down to the FSC to talk to me..seated in that sofa..in Peace room..

And now, she's probably struggling. Struggling for her life in the cold, hard bed of the hospital. Well..she is still a fighter. Because I read that cases with cancer who has already spread to the brain, they only have a few days to live on. But she has fought..and is still fighting..for the past 2 weeks..

I will be meeting her daughter later in the FSC. She had requested to meet me. In her flusteredness over the phone yesterday, I barely make out that she told me that she has to settle alot of things. That she is at a loss, dont know what to do.

I thought of meeting her already..then going to the hospital with her. Just to see client for perhaps that one last time.

But yet, I wonder what do I say to client when I eventually do see her. What words would be comforting? Appropriate? Or are words even necessary? Maybe I just have to let her know my presence. That I really want to walk the last part of her journey with her.

Good news re: tibet trip

2011-06-27T16:33:00.001+08:00

Yeah. My heart gives a skip and a leap this morning when I logged on to the Chan brothers website and found out that the status of my dep date has changed from “Available” to “Limited”. Whee..really good news. Which means to say over the course of the weekend, 2 people must have signed up for this date. And guess what, the cost has also rise from the initial $1298 (w/o tax) to $1408 (w/o tax) now. Luckily I have signed up for the trip early so don’t have to pay the current rate now.
Good news. At least something to brighten my day.

this feels like a backpacking journey

2011-06-26T19:39:00.000+08:00

this feels like a backpacking journey. and i'm not even referring to my tibet trip. i'm talking about..life in general. in specific, work life.
everyday feels like a dual journey-an outer and an inner one. and the inner journey in response to the outer journey of circumstances, situation etc
it's a backpacking trip cause i never really what will greet me the next moment. and whether i'll get a cultural shock upon entering a new place, a new enterprise which calls for a need to shift my former paradigm.
just like how the transition from school to work life calls for a need to shift my paradigm.
almost one year into the job already. but i think i barely make it. perhaps only trying to muddle through from day to day. just that this muddling motion seems to call for an utmost struggle recently..

A down day

2011-06-24T19:58:00.002+08:00

If the listener is offended but the speaker has no such intention,
who is the one with the problem here?

Been feeling quite down today. Because of my case who had wanted to change worker. All because of a comment I have made which I did not even have the intention to offend him.

Makes me full disillusioned. This feels like entrapment. Damn if I do, and damn if i dont. Client turns up at a time other than his appointment time. And when I told him the facts i.e. abide strictly at appointment time, else I might have other case and thus unable to meet him if he turns up unscheduled. And when I said I will meet him as I now dont have any case, he said "dont meet. dont meet. call off the appointment". So do I meet or dont meet? Really feel cornered.

Makes me feel jaded also because for a thousand things I have said right, people just want to zoom in on a single sentence and condemn you based on that. This feeling of condemnation sucks.

And is bringing me back to the crash and burn mode again.

Maybe still a glimpse of hope..

2011-06-22T10:17:00.003+08:00

Been analysing the possibility of my tibet trip these few days.

Though it is for sure now that Tibet will be closed till at least 26 July whilst some sources had mentioned that the closure might even last till mid Aug, I think there might still be a whee chance that I can still set my foot on the roof of the world.

Herein my analysis:
1) Noticed that many travel agencies are still advertising tour group to tibet with travel date starting as early as 29 July. In fact, the 29 July dep date offered by Chan brother has been snapped up as of today. Which means to say that since travel agencies can be so confident as to advertise travelling dates even in July inself, there is a high chance that the closure might really ceased in the postulated 26 July.

2) The closure started in June. Logically speaking, they couldnt have closed off tibet for so long until Sep which is my dep date.

3) Yet given the unstable situation in tibet and news about closure, this might deter many singaporeans from signing up the tibet tour. So even if the closure has been lifted off in sep, there might not be many people who have taking up the tour.

4) But I checked with the chan brother's status for their respective tibet tours, and I found that the tibet tour is really quite hot. Many dep dates already have statuses that says "limited" or "on request". Even the dep date setting off later than mine is almost fully booked.

5) Yet why does my dep date on the 9 Sep still not fully booked? By logic, it shouldnt have been like this because my dep date is one of the dates offering the cheapest tour cost. Secondly, my dep date is on a friday which should be quite a hot favourite. Yet why are people not taking this up???

Alternative if Tibet trip really cancelled

2011-06-17T16:26:00.000+08:00

Been starting to think about alternatives if the Tibet trip is really cancelled. Thought of 3 plans so far:
Plan A : Solo backpacking to Thailand (Bangkok) & Laos
Plan B: Solo backpacking to Thailand (Bangkok, Koh Samui & Pattaya)
Plan C: Join a group tour (by myself) to China (Guangzhou? Hainan?)

And just found out yesterday about some DBS visa debit card that apparently has no annual fee. Will really be useful should I embark on some solo backpacking thorn tree traveller trip=)

Tibet closed till mid-Aug

2011-06-15T17:50:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought I have gotten used to the idea that I will have to slog out it, work it out for the next 2 months as part of my trip preparation, the news broke out today on Yahoo news that Tibet will be closed to foreigners till mid-Aug.
Closed? Mid-Aug? These wordings seemed to hit me hard and yet seemed so surreal. You mean again…? Why is it that everytime I’m going to a particular country for holiday and something will happen to that country prior to my arrival. First, the stampede incident in Cambodia. Second, the tsunami that hit Taiwan. And now..THIS.
Which means that iron pills (ok..just 2 of it) that I’ve eaten..those countless stairs I have climbed...have all come to naught? *recoil in horror*
One very funny incident which arise because of this. Mum (who has given her consent but nonetheless told me blatantly that she is praying that the tour group will not be able to set off) has indeed gotten her prayer answered. Today during group prayer time, RC asked if she can pray for me that the Tibet trip can kick off. I told her don’t to bother cos the one at home is praying otherwise. Haha..God must have been schizophrenic listening to our prayers if he wasn’t…God.
Anw..i’ll just keep a look out at how the situation goes. But given the tense situation there now and talks of how the hermit kingdom will be closed for subsequent months, I doubt this will have any positive impact on the take-up rate of the group tour anyway.
Sighz…or maybe having the situation been put on hold till further notice in mid-Aug..has been God’s way of saying he is still KIV-ing mum’s and RC’s tug-of-war prayers.

Operation building up stamina

2011-06-15T09:23:00.000+08:00

Climbed 10 storey yest. Slow and steady but this time round, felt a bit exhausted after the climb. Last week I could actually climb 15 storeys without panting.
This “operation building up stamina” is starting to attract the attention of people around me. Just yest, I met a lady neighbour who stays above me at the ground floor lift landing. And she probably thought I am going into the lift with her. But I steered into the other direction and ascend the stairs instead. She must have thought I am a odd-ball..some health obsessed hypochondriac with delusions that climbing stairs=becoming a immortal. Oh whatever.
Took my second dose of iron pill this morning. Dunno if I’m being paranoid..but my stomach feels weird. As though it’s churning..like some empty abyss..or probably an empty ranch with freaking yaks roaming around.

Preparation

2011-06-14T11:13:00.002+08:00

Stopped the iron supplement yesterday. Because after taking it on Sunday, I felt that my body is extremely warm. The kind of feeling you would get when you have stood under the sun for the whole day. Didnt do my big business in the morning yesterday..so I thought it might have something to do with the side effect of the medication which is constipation. Then all of a sudden, last night I had diarrhea.

Restarted my climbing stairs regimen too. Climbed till 15 storeys yesterday and wasnt disciplined enough..so I had to restart from scratch yesterday by climbing 5 storeys. Will be 10 today...

Seriously, I wonder after doing all these..will it make me any less susceptible to altitude sickness? Afterall, no matter how hard I train my body..this is afterall still at sea level. So I will never be able to train my body in a condition that can simulate that of Tibet. So..well..I'm still gonna try..just do whatever preparation work I can...

Some random thoughts about my tibet trip

2011-06-13T16:16:00.000+08:00

Uncertainty is mainly the reason why I’m (trying) to keep this trip to the roof of the world as quiet as possible. Never have I tried embarking on a journey with so much uncertainty. Well, unless you are referring to the journey of life.
Uncertainty as to whether this tour group will eventually be confirmed. Right now, there are only 4 of us who signed up for the tour package from Chan Brother. (the other 2 of them apparently have signed up for the 12 days package). We need at least 8 people for the trip to kick off. But according to the tour operator, the trip will most likely be able to set off cos we still have 2 more months to go..to make up the other 4 people.
And once the trip is confirmed, the other uncertainty will set in. This, is the uncertainty of whether I’ll make it alive in Tibet. With a minimum altitude of 3000m above sea level, I read on many websites that the reality of altitude sickness will hit most tourist regardless of race, religion and gender. (Even the Tibetans themselves are sometimes not spared).
The more I read about altitude sickness, the more I’m having second thoughts about the trip. What if I ended up sick and bed-ridden for all of my 5 days there? What if I’m not rushed down to the hospital in time? What if I puke my guts out? What if I decided to give up on life because it’s simply too tough to gasp for oxygen? Will I feel so dizzy and lose my footing and roll down the snow-capped mountain? What if I choke on my cup of yak-butter tea? Will there be a case of the revenge of the birds whereby the vultures devour me to their heart’s content?
And just imagine the sheer amount of preparation work/paper work I have to do prior to this trip. Buying insurance. Going to the traveller’s clinic at TTSH to get diamox. Eating iron supplement despite the constipation. Buying panadol, hydration salts, charcoal pills, sun block..borrowing cold wear..packing and repacking my language because I have packed it wrongly or left out certain things..
Well..this is certainly the trip of a lifetime. Despite the suffering..hardship..bag-packer style travelling..the lack of sleep (to catch the 3am departure flight)..and the possible lost of my life..I still think..I should go for this trip.
Well..after all..mum has given her nod. Not that she likes it. Not that she doesn’t know Tibet is a dangerous place. But still..mum gave the nod..because in her words, “even if the life of her daughter is taken, it is all in God’s will. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise so that she don’t have to worry about a lot of things in the future that pertains to me”.
And with this exemplary spirit which mum has demonstrated, this too shall be my spirit when I embark on my trip to the land of snow, the roof of the world.

What else to pack?

2011-06-13T12:48:00.001+08:00

- Hand wipe
- Facial wipe
- Face towel
- Toothbrush, toothpaste
- Comb
- Hairband
- Panadol, diamox, oral hydration salts, charcoal pills
- Chocolate, rock sugar, ji-dan-gao;
- Toilet paper
- Sun-tan lotion, hat

from dream to reality?

2011-06-12T17:18:00.000+08:00

just need 4 more people for the tour group to be confirmed. and my dream of going to the roof of the world looks set to becoming a reality.
and what have i done in preparation to deal with the reality of altitude sickness? i have just embarked on a iron supplement therapy which will last for the next 3 months till the day of departure.

i'm complaining about his complaint

2011-06-08T19:54:00.000+08:00

almost one year into the job. almost..almost..barely there yet..and today i already received my first complaint lodged by a client.
these ungrateful brats. asking for the impossible. demanding the stars and the moon. when the real problem lies in their fixated mindset which paradoxically causes their stuckness in the first place. damn if i help them. and damn if i don't.

Taking stock

2011-06-06T17:28:00.000+08:00

Reading some online articles on “burnt out”..seeking some solace amidst the raging storm within and without..I suddenly realised that I may be on the road to burnt out.
These feelings of unappreciation..dissatisfaction..all seems to make sense. When framed in the perspective of career burnt out.
But burnt out? When I haven’t even reached the 1 year mark?
Realising this..at least, being able to put a name to what I’ve been experiencing so far..seems to alleviate the sickening feeling , paradoxically.
Just learnt last week that I have to do appraisal again. Was thinking that there will not be much changes to my previous appraisal form..but wrong. I realised that even within this short span of about 5 months, even the appraisal form need some editing and updating. And completing the appraisal form again..feels so surprisingly liberating. I guess it has to do with the epiphany that comes with the act of stock-taking.
Just realised..maybe..maybe..I could have been too harsh and critical of myself. That..I have zoomed in too much on the errors/things I have not done/things that I have not done so well. And yet, minimizing the things which I have accomplished/attempted.
When filling up the appraisal form, it just dawned on me that I find it easier to accomplish the target set for professional development rather than personal development. That personal development seems to be my Achilles heel. That weak spot..that vulnerable point..which makes me naked enough to succumb to any attacks (whether is it spiritual or situational based).
Today..I seem to find more peace. More peace than any other days recently. More resolution..more motivation..and maybe filling up the appraisal form is indeed good. Because with the act of stock-taking..perspective becomes clearer..awareness becomes more enhanced..and the heart less troubled..

Crash and burn

2011-06-05T16:10:00.000+08:00

there are days where i feel i'll just crash and burn. but as i look into the sky, i just thank God that it still has not happened..yet.
what is this cause of my restlessness? my lost of purpose?
feels it's no longer worth striving. their successes if any, are not mine. and neither is this striving being appreciated. either by them nor by the one up there.
and this theme of unappreciation runs parallel whether is it with clients or with the higher up. zapping away any zeal and passion there were in me..

The 1 thing in life that baffles me now

2010-10-09T17:14:00.003+08:00

What is one of the thing in life that baffles you?

A few days ago, I was posed this question. Well..actually there are many things in life that baffles me..that I do not have an answer to.

But currently..at this point of my life..I guess there is that one aspect of my life that I have a growing concern towards. This area is what Boss has referred to as that "critical aspect in life".

What sort of theory do I buy regarding this critical aspect in life? Is it the supermarket theory? Or is there really an appointed one?

Strangely..as though part of God's will, I chanced upon a chapter in Genesis that seems to offer the very answer I was looking for. Chapter 24 talks about how Isaac came to know of his wife Rebekah.

After reading this chapter, I picked up a few pointers:
1) the importance of praying first before looking out for the signs of confirmation(vr 13 & 14)
2)there is an appointed one for Isaac. (vr 14)Which means we should not believe in a supermarket theory?
3) it is not about finding a good spouse. But one that is appointed by God. (vr 50)

Hmm..and what is this recurrent dream I have had twice? Is that a sign of something?

Almost like dreaming

2010-09-18T12:02:00.003+08:00

Its strange how going for holiday makes one feel as though one is in dreamland. Its strange how one can be without a care or worry. That I even have to think very hard about what are the cares that I have; only to realise that the scale of these cares seemed in-proportionately small compared to the vastness of the universe.

Leading or misleading

2010-09-11T10:10:00.002+08:00

Its been a long time since I last blogged here. But this matter that has been weighing on my mind..I really needed somewhere to ventilate.

Weekend is starting to feel like a dread. What is this thing about going for social activities before and after church service? Should going to church just be about worshipping God? So why is the past 5 weeks fulfilling what Emile Durkhiem postulate about religion?

The first 3 weeks seemed rather platonic. Our conversation seemed pretty normal. But for the last 2 weeks, his questions seemed to be steered in a certain direction.

What is this thing about asking me what kind of guy do I like? What is this thing about asking how many kids do I want? What is it about asking me if I trust him? And what is it about asking me if I would still go out with my guy friends after I am attached? And alas..what is it about asking me if he can still come my church if I am attached?

What is he really asking about? What does he want to know?

And yesterday..why did he said that I was "reporting" to him? Was I? Why would I? And what is this thing about me "assuming" certain things? What is he driving at? To the point that I was so pissed..I actually responded by saying he is crappy-to which he is offended.

Boundaries...boundariess..unclear and undefined. Needs some definition.

Amber lights

2010-06-21T15:24:00.003+08:00

Is this the first sign of something serious? Or is it just a false alarm?
My mind is in a whirlpool now. I can only live by the grace of God and pray that everything will turn out fine.

Goggling about those symptoms just makes my mind more confused.

Attending so many weeks of miracle service and witnessing the experience of others..I gotta believe right now in a god-given miracle. That faith is the substance hoped for and yet unseen.

I gotta believe in truth over (medical) facts.

Cranky internet connection

2010-06-12T14:46:00.002+08:00

Its been a long time since I've updated. And what motivated me to update this time round is ironically due to the cranky internet connection I have since last friday. Oh well..its been 1 week..and hopefully the problem has been resolved FOR GOOD!

Was watching the past year convocation ceremonies with my comp last friday when I suddenly experienced disconnection with my internet. When I open the internet browser, it tells me that there is a connection problem and it is unable to open the website that I wanted.

The following events that followed this is like a series of unfortunate events.

Thinking that my cables might have gotten loose, I then went to unplug and plug in all the related wires I could think of..this includes the : ADSL cable, Line cable,the micro filter and the entire telephone cable. Well..even my phone socket. But the problem still persists.

So I re-login into prolink login page..and alas! it tells me that my username and password is wrong. But...I didnt even change anything!

So I called up singtel..and had my password resetted.

But when I open my internet browser, it still tells me that I am unable to access internet. And in fact..it says that the problem lies with some firewall settings with http/ftp.

So I restored the comp to an earlier point..and i was able to use the internet for that day and the next day.

But the next time I use the comp, the internet problem still persisted. And this time round..it tells me that the dsl-modem connection fails. So I called up singtel again..and they say they will send a technician.

So the technician came the next day..and reset some configuration settings. But I was still unable to use the internet from my own modem. But when the technician used his modem, internet connection was possible.

So he concluded that it must be that my modem is faulty.

But device manager indicated that my modem is working properly. So what could be the problem? I could access local websites but not the others.and even with local websites, I was unable to access it if there is a pop up involved.

Today uncle william came and he looked at my comp. And he told me that the prob was certainly due to the ISP. But he also removed my free norton programme fearing that the norton could have changed my firewall settings and even resetted my internet password. After he removed norton, and I tried to login, the login page again said that my password is wrong.

So I called up singtel again and said that I have forgotten my password and username. The operator told me that he is unable to give me my password but he could reset my password for me. And he said that the reason I was unable to connect to the internet was because I had exceeded the bandwidth or sth like that. I told him I already had my password resetted last week and I still have this problem. So he said he will reset dunno-what and asked me to turn off and on my modem again. This time round..

Internet works.

And when I asked him if the error was due my side and his side..he said it was my side. Really? I asked him what could have caused the error..he said he dont know.

Anw..meanwhile in this whole episode that lasted 1 week, I found out sth which was damn shocking. And that is..I have been placing the mirco-filter in the wrong place for the past 4 years..well..3 years 10 months.

Instead of placing the mirco-filter at the line socket, I had placed it between the telephone cable and my line cable of the modem. No wonder for the past 3 years 10 months..I was unable to use the phone whenever I was on the internet. Because...the micro-filter wasnt even doing its job as it's at the wrong place!!! It wasnt even filtering anything...

Well..I hope that with today's reset of the dunno-what by the operator at singtel..this will bring this episode to a close. Cos for the past 1 week..life is such a drag with this technology problem.

Sometimes..I'd rather go back to the 1980s...life is so much simpler then. Isnt it?

2010-03-29T14:32:00.002+08:00

When one phase of life ends, another phase of life begins.

I'm now left with the last 50meters of the race..and the end is within sight. The only way to go now is to persevere with the last ounce of energy left.

Come this thursday..I will be able to proudly proclaim that I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Sick over the weekend

2010-01-27T15:46:00.003+08:00

It started with a scratchy throat on Saturday night. Then it developed into a stinging pain at the left side of my throat as though threatening to tear at the slightest cough. I ignored it, thinking that it must be due to my lack of water for the past few days.

Then on sunday, it morphed into muscle ache and a fever at 37.6. I thought I could surpress my fever using my strong will. But I was wrong. The fever was still on on monday morning. Thankfully I have no class on Monday. But I still didnt want to see a doctor because the sore throat had already subside and I really wanted to give my body a chance to fight the bacteria instead of turning to a quick panacea of western medicine. Told myself that if the fever ( which has already been reigning the whole of Sunday night ) becomes more serious, I would definately do to the doctor.

Maybe it was the afternoon sun on Monday which aided the escalation of my temperature because it rose to 37.8. By then..any will power I had was already more or less exhausted by the night-long battle I had been fighting with the fever..so I gave in and went to my GP.

Told the GP about my fever and the flu-like symptoms. He then listen attentively to my breathing using a stethoscope. During the process..if I'm not mistaken..I thought he looked rather worried. Or pensive. As though in his mind, he is wrestling with some chim medical dilemma. Is it my breathing? Do I have water retention in my lung? What did he hear that gave him such a pensive look? A meeting room of argumentative politicians in my respiratory organ?

Then he put his stethoscope away and if I'm not mistaken..he sighed. And with the most serious tone and look that any patient would fear, he announced that it was FLU. FLU??? If it was FLU, why did he look so pensive? Is FLU a euphemism for something else serious that I rather not know?

With the same serious manner, I asked him in my raspy voice " Is it....H1N1? " To which, the GP gave a candid and almost spontaneous reply as though that much-feared diagnosis has been considered by him earlier on. He said " it doesnt seem like it" and before I could prompt him for his reasoning, he said " because your fever is considered mild. H1N1 fever will be higher than that". And as though to give a wrap-up to his medical argument, he said " even if yours is H1N1, it is mild H1N1 and to which, we will just treat it as normal flu. Which means no need to use tamiflu ".

There! There was it! My first encounter with the flu bug for this new year.

Analysis of this sem's result

2009-12-24T09:56:00.007+08:00

Ok..boys and girls..as promised..I will be doing an analysis of this sem's result in this entry.

GEK1502 : Food security and safety ( B : Wanted better grade but a B grade is what I've expected as I look in retrospect at this whole sem )
Not much to comment on for this module. Cuz its neither my major module nor a module in my faculty. Always thought that I'm the sort who is good at memorizing facts..but I guess the lecturers in this module expected more than sheer rote learning. And I guess quite a significant number of students in this module are capable of producing exemplary pieces of argument during the exam..as I've witness for myself how a fellow student rehearse a debate on " whether organic food is really good" as we were waiting at the exam venue.
Another lesson to be learnt is that one should never skip lessons. But I did just that...skipping not only 1 but 2 lectures ( for the same cause ). I guess I may have missed out on some important content as I was scratching my head for some of the questions asked during the mid-term MCQ test as those questions seem unfamiliar to me.

SW4101 : Advanced family centered social work ( A : Meet expectation )
Requires alot of memory work in order to distinguish between the same concepts which are used differently in the different therapies and to vomit out the concepts used in a particular theory. But aye..memory work...that's my forte!
Actually, it was challenging to predict the grade for this module cuz the lecturer did not return us our mid-term assignment paper. And the mid-term paper was the only way we were assessed for this module aside from the final exam.
Was late for a particular lecture of this module for a solid 1 hour cuz I had to settle some urgent issue ( it was the same issue that prevented me from attending 2GEK1502 lects ). Luckily..they were doing role-play for the 1 hour that I have missed..so I guess..I really didnt miss much.
And just like strategic therapy..the way that I had studied for the final exam was kind of strategic too. There were 5 therapies taught in this module..so I chose 3 therapies and studied them in depth. And out of these 3 therapies, I chose Bowen therapy to be my most most solid solid theory which was in a way..well..strategic as this therapy is theory-centered instead of technique centered. Which means I can just do arm-chair social work..and not rack my brains to mould a technique to suit the case-study on the spot during exam. Trust me..when one's mind is racing like a F1 car and as blank as the bank accounts for those dupped by Madolf, mental gymnastics is not the answer to a good grade.

SW4102 : Advanced policy and planning ( A- : way way way above expectation )
Seriously..I have no idea why I scored an A- for this module. Cuz I thought I went off-tangent for 1 of the 2 questions attempted during exam. And basically during exam, I had no idea what the prof was asking for in his questions..and I had equally no idea of what was I writing in my answers. But you know what...the best thing is that the prof seemed to know what was I writing about when he marked my paper-that's the best explanation I could give to justify the A-.
Cuz after the paper of this module, I was thinking that I would get a C range grade or even fail this module. The distance between my expected grade and the grade that I eventually got was akin to the distance between me and my ex. ( No kidding ).
I think the Prof is really merciful. Perhaps empathic. No..I think sympathetic would be a better word. Though I didnt missed any lect for this module, but trust me..I have almost no clue of what was taught in this module throughout the sem. And during lects..my mind would be wondering to hectres beyond the classroom..thinking about...yess..the cause that prevented me from attending 2 GEK1502 lects and be 1 hour late for SW4101 lect.

SW4103 : Advanced research and evaluation ( A- : below expectation )
This is the only mod this sem that was below expectation. I had thought that getting an A or even a A+ would not be such a task..but I was proven wrong. I thought I did pretty well during the exams cuz I happen to have clarity of thoughts during exam day. And I thought that preparing for thesis would have given me a head-start for this mod.
But I guess..there must be some reasons that prevented me an A.
Maybe cuz I've left out some important points in the exam..maybe cuz my performance was above average but not really tip of the top as I have thought?

Anyway..after having spent ( read : muddling through ) 7 sems in Uni..I think I have learnt some lessons about how to score for the exams. Though I have a dreaded feeling that its too little..too late. For those of you still in the budding years of your uni life..let big sister offer you some tips.

Tip # 1 : Do not let your CAP of your 1st sem affect you. This applies to CAP that is way above or below your expectation. Once it affects you and your CAP in Sem 2, the poor CAP in Sem2 is gonna come back and haunt you every sem. Just like it did to this big sister.

Tip # 2 : Do not miss lessons. Never pon lecture unless 1) you are having a appendicitis and urgently require an OP; 2) hitting yourself real hard in the head after exam result release is your childhood dream; 3) the lecturer is your kin and so will be able to give you private tuition; 4) all of the above

Tip #3 : Strategise how you are going to answer the exam questions. This is a really important tip and yet many people do not strategise before they enter the exam hall. And so..many of them strategise in the exam hall..or worse still..after the exams=@ Strategising is necessary especially if it is an open book exam. Having books with you during exam doesnt guarantee that all the answers will be found in the books the way you want it to be. So...modify and prepare a template especially if you need from past year's questions..how the scope of the questions will be.

NUS exam result release

2009-12-23T10:58:00.003+08:00

OK..reality hasnt been cruel after all. In fact, there's a chinese idiom that can sum up my results this sem after going through all those tribulation. And that is "ku(3) jing(4) kan(1) lai(2)".

For those kay-pohs aka well-wishers..here's something to satisfy your curiousity.

GEK1502 : B ( to be S/U-ed )
SW4101 : A
SW4102 : A-
SW4103 : A-

CAP : 4.35
CAP after S/U : 4.37

Will give an analysis to the results in my next entry.

Blessings from God

2009-12-19T10:10:00.003+08:00

Its only when I look at the plight of others
That I realised how blessed I am.
I have to learn to count my blessings
And put my trust in my mentors and in HIM.

I'm not saying that this particular person which I'm referring to does not have the blessings of God. I too went through the same level of difficulty that she could possibly have encountered and our respective project are also of similar scale.

From what I've found out yesterday, I realised how much blessing God had given me when he attached me to 2 super solid and supportive mentors and also prompted me to start on my project earlier so that knotty issues can get entangled before time runs out. Now then I realised that blessings from God doesnt mean that one would have a life that is free of troubles or smooth-sailing..it just simply means that even before I encountered those difficulties, God already has His plan on how things will turn out and how those difficulties can be ameliorated to the minimum. ( reminds me of the book of Job )

"blessings and honour and glory and power..Forever "

That unyielding fighting spirit!

2009-12-17T14:53:00.005+08:00

Been watching #5's coverage of the SEA games faithfully the past few days. Looking at how those atheletes compete and conquer, it sort of brought back that unyielding fighting spirit that I once possessed as an athelete in my secondary school days.

Many of those atheletes impressed me. The way they fight..they way they didnt give up even when they were trailing..the way they had faith in themselves when the odds are stacked against them.

Who could ever forget that charming reticent look of Yang Zi, the singapore paddler who despite trailing behind his opponent by 2 points, fought ferociously to win back those 2 points and an extra one more to win that game? He even shh-ed the crowd from the opponent's country who prematurely celebrated the win of his opponent simply because..the game is NOT OVER yet.

Its so amazing how some people managed to rise up despite the odds..and yet there are those others whom Winston Churchill called the "pessimist" and it is this latter group of people that managed to see the difficulty behind every opportunity.

In my daily life..I've come across many pessimistic people. They condemn, they whine, they gave up even before the game was over. The saddest thing is..if only they had fought with the same zest they had used in their whining, they might have been able to turn the situation around. To me..they have lost even before they lose.

Whining and complaining seemed so much like a modern day affliction. Its almost inevitable that one hear a complain or two from people around us in our day to day living. Sometimes that modern day affliction becomes so powerful that one gets sucked into it as well. After all, if you cant convince people not to whine, then you might as well join them?

I'm not exactly an optimist myself. I used to somehow be able to look at the hole in the doughnut in every situation..I used to ramble about how life has short-changed me..I derived pleasure from pointing out the fault behind every seemingly perfect scernario. But I want to change that! Because I realised that a person who is able to see the silver lining behind a cloud is so much more attractive than someone who whine and sigh the whole day.

" An optimist sees the opportunity behind every difficulty,
while a pessimist sees the difficulty behind every opportunity".
- Churchhill

Pessimism - the modern day affliction

2009-12-14T15:18:00.003+08:00

I dont understand why so many people are so pessimistic. There are so many people around me that get bogged down by problems till their lives seemed so problem saturated.

I cant stand it when the moment a friend meets up with me..the first thing that'll spew from his/her mouth are problems. "Hey rachel..you know arh..I was so busy with..."; "I got so many grieverances"; "the problems in my (insert physcial setting here)which could range from family to school to labs to Mars"...

I feel like screaming to these people " you know what? you are right. it's a BIG problem. the biggest problem is YOU...YOU who never stop talking about problems"

Lamenting is the hobby of some others. They'll whine about how tough life is..how they feel like dying..if only they could die..they can no longer do this or that because they have been limited by ( insert seemingly adverse life conditions here ).

To these people : I hope you'll shut up. And give me some peace.

Decent rest

2009-12-12T09:10:00.002+08:00

Had been resting a lot since my last exam paper this sem. And that was at 1 Dec. Today its already 12 Dec.

I didnt think that I needed rest. In fact, I was so gung-ho enough that I nearly told my thesis mentor that I can resume with my thesis right away on 1 Dec. But of course, that didnt happen because we still have to wait for the agency side. Nonetheless, this delay gave me the opportunity to catch a breather from the hustle and bustle that has been going on during the sem.

Stangely, it was only when I rested that I realised that I needed rest. Maybe then, the delay in the agency side is a blessing in disguise.

Been thinking alot these past few nights. About what pastor said in sermon last sunday...on how nothing in life is everlasting. Last sunday, a friend whom I've been going to church with asked me whether I would consider takiing more modules next sem to pull up my CAP if I did not get all As this sem.

A whole cascade of thoughts overwhelmed my mind when I heard her question. Firstly, after what's had happened this sem, I dont really think that I'm in the running for a 1st class. Which means..that I do not think that I would be having a perfect SAP this time round. Secondly, after so much trials, I came to realise that getting a 1st class is just a earth-bound achievement that will soon come to pass.

Someone once said that I am ambitious..ambitious enough to aim for a 1st class. Honestly, at that time, I didnt think it was ambition. It just seemed so natural that time for me to want to aim for the best. But past events in the sem has shifted my worldview and revamped my priorities.

I dont think anyone really knows how much I've gone through this sem. Maybe my thesis mentors. But I think..even they do not know the full story. Narrating the chronology of events will take up such a long time that I dont think anyone would be interested. It just seems so mundane and yet daunting at those times when the tide was against me.

So much stories to tell..so many lessons learnt. Lessons that will reside in me for a lifetime..

Recap of THAT sem

2009-12-03T11:55:00.004+08:00

88/100. Guess that is the only mid-term result this sem that is up to expectation. It was amazing that this assignment was up to standard. Maybe cos I started it early so I had plenty of time to do some mental gymnastics about it. Luckily because the lecturer for this module is known for having high expectations from students.

My last paper ended 2 days ago. This sem started with a bang but ended with a hiss. And a meek sounding hiss too. Dreams that I had harboured were dropped like a hot cake this sem. Simply because circumstances do not catalyst the achievement of these dreams.

Problems with thesis occupied my mind for every waking hour for a solid 10 weeks. These problems were only resolved on week 10 leaving me with only the remaining 3 weeks to catch up with the knowledge I have missed out during the 10 weeks. There was such a huge knowledge gap..a gaping gap. Especially for SW4102 because social policy is a new subject to me.

My mid term results this sem wouldnt at all fantastic. Had this been a normal sem, the results would have been deemed as mediocre. But because this sem is THIS sem..because THIS is a sem unlike any other..So I wouldnt take it hard on myself that I hadnt scored as well as I was supposed to. I had did what I could to the best of my mental and emotional ability.

If I were to recall this sem in my years ahead,this sem would simply be known as THAT sem. THAT sem when everything seem to go against me. THAT sem when problem does not crop up singerly but in series. THAT sem when circumstances drove myself up the wall and I almost drove myself off the parappet. THAT sem when the lessons I learnt were more of life's lessons rather than lessons one would typically learn from paying school fees. THAT sem when I learnt to let go of the steering wheel and let God take over.

THAT sem when my life took a change. When its no longer important to accelerate my pedal when the traffic light is turning amber..but rather to slow down.

Peacefully contented

2009-11-29T18:30:00.003+08:00

This is perhaps the first time in my academic life that I wasnt so particular about what sort of grades I will be getting. So long as I maintain my CAP above 4.0 and pass all my modules this semester-I'll be contented.

My expectations have obviously been lowered until it is now in a minimalist status. For all that I have to go through this sem, perhaps I should be thankful that I managed to get a B+ for the SW4102 individual assignment and 23/30 for the GEK1502 mid term test.

I wont ask for more..except to continue doing thesis and to graduate with a second upper.

Maybe this is God's intention for me to learn about "contentment". Because discontentment is just like a treadmill-it zaps all your energy away and no moutain is ever high enough. In the end, one would just merely collapse out of exhaustion. And be the ultimate loser in the rat race.

Growing up

2009-11-22T13:30:00.002+08:00

Events for the past 2 months have metamorphosized me into a more mature person. With regards to the recent hoo-ha, I am glad that I have managed to remain stoic and to distant myself from the heat of the action. In fact, I am able to even reflect as the melo-drama unfolds on how the personality of one of the lead character actually resembles the old me. The old me that carried too many responsibilities that I couldnt trudge any further because of the baggages that were weighing on me.

I saw the old me when that lead character stresses everyone and drives everyone up the corner including herself. The old me that wanted to pursue speed and perfection only to strain working relationship with others. The old me that fell into the trap of emotional reactivity all so easily. The old me that makes a mountain out of a molehill until I self-sabotage my own success.

I saw all these ugly traits in her..traits that I was harbouring all these while until the big hurricane transformed my life.

I am so thankful for the storms of stress that God had given me. There were times that I was spiteful against God for letting me go through all these unpalatable events. But this God never held it against me. HE is ever so patient with me till I finally learnt the lessons that HE wanted me to learn. Lessons that would buffer me from feeling the heat of the melo-drama. Lessons that would beget stillness and peace in my heart even when the storm outside was raging.

What is all these storms of stress when I have the rain of HIS mercy?

Mediocre performance

2009-11-18T13:35:00.001+08:00

Got back my CA result for GEK1502. Was super disappointed with my performance. Only managed a 23/30. How come???

Inner O.S. 1 week before the exam

2009-11-17T09:57:00.003+08:00

1 more week to the exams..or in fact it's only 6 more days! This is perhaps the least confident exam in my whole undergrad life. For those lectures that I have missed; distance travelled by a wandering mind during lessons; difficult events and ridiculous people that I have to contend with..it is pretty self evident why conquering the exams seemed like an uphill-task this sem.

Not that I'm blaming anyone or anything..or even myself. Events have been pretty out of control till lately; behaviour of (ridiculous) people have been beyond my control ( and it always will be )- I have to say that there is nothing much that I could have done that I had not do.

Completed revision for 2.5 modules. 1.5 more to go! Note to self : do yourself a favour by just hanging on. You have went through so much..it will be too stupid to let it go at this final hurdle of the sem.

My consolation is that this sem is drawing to an end soon..and by God's grace, next sem will be better.

The storms of stress

2009-10-19T13:42:00.003+08:00

Weathering through the storms of stress
I finally realised that this is all part of Your perfect plan
Without the fire, a potter's creation is beautiful but fragile
God has send me a load
But it was never meant to overload me
When the heat gets too intense
I only have to know :
that I should let God take over the steering wheel

Sometimes its hard to let go
But I need to know that everything will progress
in His time
I ought to throw away those cargo that I have been clinging to
So that this tempest-tossed ship can be lightened.
These obstacles..these storms
Offer just the right opportunity to do so.

It is a storm of trials and tribulation
And because all my resources have been stripped away
This made realise that God is the only one that I need

These storms..
Have brought me closer to home.
To the peace that I have been searching for.

Praise to HE who carries me through

2009-10-15T14:39:00.002+08:00

Even in the silence, HE is still working
All these while, HE has never turn his eyes away from me
All these obstacles are part of his plan in chastening me
The truth is that HE has never forsaken me
HE is putting me on trial to strengthen my faith and patience
The very 2 traits that are lacking in me
Tried and tested
Now I am ready....
To fulfill HIS bigger plan for me

These tears of joy that I shed today
Are his gifts to me
An evidence of his great LOVE to me
Glory be to HE, the king over the flood
For I will be still and know YOU are God

2009-09-19T16:36:00.002+08:00

Being stoic really helps in the face of outrageous fortune. So long as the ultimate plan does not get derailed, I am cool with it. Hence, minor hiccups such as the human error this time doesnt really bother me.

Like what you've said, let's keep our fingers crossed that the proposal will be approved soon.

2009-09-17T20:19:00.002+08:00

In the end, it is a test of my faith. When the speed of progress seems s.l.o.w and nothing seems to get done, I just need to know that sometimes progress is not observed by sight but believed by faith.

The series of sermon on faith is really a message from God to me. How could I have doubted that? It dawned upon me during last sunday sermon that the enemy of faith is doubt and doubt is what I have aplenty. That's what causes me the numerous sleepless nights.

In the beginning of this thesis, I have doubted. Because it is such a large scale project and it seems beyond my ability, so I have doubted. Not only myself but my mentors and also God. Just like how Adam and Eve have doubted God's words and fallen into sin.

Maybe that's why I faced so many obstacles in this thesis so far. Because I have doubted. Doubted God's ability and His love for me. Hence, I have allowed peace and blessings to be robbed from me.

Now, I know where I have fallen. Now I'm gonna put my faith in Him and asked him to be my sherperd so that my life shall not be in want. I'm gonna believe and trust in His power and might to carry me through this.

2009-09-10T20:37:00.000+08:00

I've been riding on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past weeks. Excitement, apprehension, fear, fatigue, anxiety, frustration, despondent, resignation...I've been through it all.

In times like this when everything that could go wrong has went wrong..I've decided to give up the ambitious dream I once held. Its not a rash decision. I came to this conclusion after careful thoughts last night. No doubt it was a teary night.

I've decided to let things be. To be a drifting duckweed that go with the flow of whereever the current leads me. When all circumstances are against me, and when I'm already so tired having expended quite some energy just trying to stay afloat, I dont think I have the strength to fight anymore.

I'm so tired...so tired...

2009-09-01T20:41:00.000+08:00

Feels like I'm running almost on empty.
Feels like the hat that I'm wearing is too big for my head.
Feels like I've really bitten off more than I can chew this time.

How could we have missed the sep deadline?
Now that delay is inevitable..
Yet I know that this is not really anyone's fault.
It's just...a series of unfortunate events that derailed our timing.

Now thoughts of the missed deadline occupies my every waking moment
That feeling of dreadedness..
That ad nauseum feeling of having lost control
Permeates every breadth that I take.

God...are you there?
Know you not my heavily burdened shoulders?
That weary state of mind?
Help me please....
With whatever little strength I have left
I cry out to you...
For my troubles & worries are now drowning me like the angry seawater

2009-08-28T16:06:00.000+08:00

Patience? What patience?!!!

Fass awards ceremony 2009

2009-08-27T14:34:00.000+08:00

Moment of glory

2009-08-24T16:16:00.000+08:00

Hardship to me is like breathing-mundane but necessary. And just like breathing, they fulfill a larger purpose in life. That said,we may be only subconsciously aware of this larger purpose until we really stop and think about it.

What is the way to endure hardship? One way is by having conviction in one's heart. The kind of conviction that makes you grounded; the kind of conviction that explains why all this hardship is really necessary and inevitable; the kind of conviction that keeps you rooted even though you are experiencing physical and mental stress.

If you ask me, do I feel physically and mentally tired now? To be frank with you, I am. Just like any normal person would if they are to be subjected to gruelling tasks and schedule. That's only normal. And that's only the beginning of the up-hill climb. Let's be real. Things are going to get only tougher through the 2 semesters; not easier.

This is a race about endurance; not competition. The winner at the end of the race will be the one who has the most physical and mental strength. Only the best and the toughest will make it.

Magical Night

2009-08-16T18:39:00.001+08:00

FASS awards ceremony is certainly a magical event. How could it not be when I've realised for the first time in my university life that there are so many cute guys in my faculty? Have my eyes been closed the past 3 years even when I was walking down the corridor? How come I have never noticed their presence? Have I been too busy burying myself in books?
Note to self : time to slow down my pace and appreciate the flowers by the roadside.

Lit review saturation?

2009-08-09T14:23:00.000+08:00

Read so many literature articles that if I were to randomly pick any articles of similar topic, there is a 90% chance that I would have found the renal patient's statistic familiar because I have read it somewhere already. Hence, the feeling of deja vu. And feelings of deja vu is scary because one begins to doubt if it's reality or if those statistics are part of my imagination.

Another benchmark to test if you have read too many research articles : you begin to figure out for yourself what is the purpose of "multiple linear regression analysis" as a statistical tool. That's because you would have read many articles which have similar designs for you to compare what are the similarities and to extrapolate why multiple linear regression analysis is used in those situations.

2009-08-03T16:18:00.002+08:00

For HE who can walk on water
Will carry me through what HE had first lead me to..

2009-08-02T12:42:00.000+08:00

Today after sermon, it all became clearer. God truly answers the doubts that I have in my heart. The answer is now etched in my heart like a fossil to a stone.

Why am I having all these doubts and apprehension?
Because I do not have enough faith.
Because I allow myself to be derailed from the truth.
Because I am too obsessed with the facts.
Yet, facts of life though undeniable holds nothing in the face of truth.

It's a fact that all odds are against me to get first class honours.
It's a fact that I cannot score anything below an A for any of my modules in the next 2 sems.
Its a fact I have never achieve anything close to a 5 for my average semester grade.
But facts are just facts. In the light of God, truth truimph over facts.

It's the truth that my God does miracles.
It's the truth that my God holds power that can make the impossible possible.
It's the truth that my God walks on water and deliver what he promises.
It's the truth so true that I can't possibly doubt.

Since I already said I'm gonna entrust my entire honours year that including my honour thesis to my great God,
then why am I doubting? What am I doubting?
Am I doubting myself? Or am I doubting God?
And why should I use my human reasoning to limit the power of GOD?

2009-08-01T15:45:00.000+08:00

Would I say this is apprehension? I think there is no denying it. Afterall, this is one huge massive project - the kind that seems larger than life.

Would I be able to cope? Would I crack under pressure? These are but random thoughts that are dashing across my mind every now and then.

Am I biting off more than I can chew? Can I finish this task in brilliant style? Do I have what it takes?

Crazy over Shakespeare

2009-07-28T10:21:00.000+08:00

I have a dream. My dream is to complete all of Shakespeare's 35 plays.

So far, I'm done with Julius Caesar, Macbeth and King Lear. All of which are tragedies. Currently, I'm reading Taming of the Shrew which is a romantic comedy. I wonder if I have the capacity to laugh with the comedy as much as I had teared in the tradegies.

As far as my tenacious memory has served me, these are my favourite quotes from the 3 tragedies :
In Julius Caesar - " Et tu Brute, then fall Caesar "
In Macbeth - " To be thus is nothing, but to be safely thus "
In King Lear - " Love cools, friendship falls off, brothers divide "

Life's simple pleasures

2009-07-27T15:02:00.000+08:00

Had a fabulous afternoon yesterday. Did what I always wanted to do.
And that is reading a good book ( think Shakespeare ) while sipping foamy cuppucino to the melody of instrumental pieces. Yesterday I did just that! UNDISTURBED.
Some may think..is doing all of the above mentioned really so difficult? I would say yes. Especially so with the existance of our modern day afflictions like handphones, computers and television. Come to think of it, how many times have we really managed to complete a task without the disruption of a shrieking handphone or the temptation of facebook?
Yes..to those techno-addicts out there, handphones do bring people closer because the argument goes that one can communicate (discreetly) to another ( via sms ) in circumstances that would not have allowed one to do so. Or that facebook links up people from one's past that because we being such busy people, do not have the time to stay in true (think physical) contact with them. And so the argument goes that facebook facilitates one to link up with a friend of a friend's friend, or that pesky aunty that one is thankful not to physically meet up with but with whom one still has to stay in contact.
But hey, who is to neglect the perils that our modern day instruments bring? At least for one, such instruments do not enhance communication but merely simulate it. In other words, communication has been mocked. That is, we have made a mockery out of communication. We are communicating, but yet not communicating. We have been brought closer by technology, but the irony is that we are closer to technology rather than to humans.
For me..I still prefer the simple pleasures that life has in stall for me. Be it the warmth of a touch that emanates from the heart or seeing the whole process of a smile cracking between someone's lips. And of course, I still prefer a warm cup of cuppucino that I can touch instead of a jug of human coldness that someone has superpoked me with in facebook.

Deactivation of my fb account

2009-07-27T14:49:00.000+08:00

I have just deactivated my facebook account. Most probably for good this time. The cause is that fb is taking up too much of my time. If I had not deactivated it, the opportunity cost will be the lost of much precious time that could otherwise be spent on more productive endeavours. Anyway,not that I need to explain to anyone anything. My decision is final, period.

And to borrow a quotation from Shakespeare's King Lear, thou shall not embrace wind which are of a superfluous nature.

2009-07-24T19:17:00.001+08:00

Am currently reading Macbeth by Shakesphere. Loved it!
The dramatic plot captures how human treachery and pompous ambitions actually prelude the downfall of man. Not to forget the subtle but yet overarching sexual theme between Macbeth and Lady Macbeth and the theme of supernatural that weaves itself into the secular world.
Indeed, the supernatural does not add nor take away (pompous) thoughts that are already in the hearts of man. The former merely reinforce them. And men, hungry for ambition - merely become victims of his own quest for success.

2009-07-22T19:17:00.002+08:00

I watched in awe today at the total solar eclipse. The thriller on Channel U had made it sound so spectacular that I decided to set my alarm clock at 8am sharp this morning.
In the end, the cosmic show did not disappoint. It was jaw-dropping to watch how day can transform into night within seconds. The sight whereby the moon had aligned itself directly onto the path of the sunlight indeed stirred up some emotions in me.
I marvel not at the cosmic phenomenon but at the wonders of God's creation. I mean..just 2 yolks jamming their paths onto each other would intrigued thousands and thousands of earth dwellers to pursue this natural phenomenon.
Perhaps another major theme today is also how the scientific evolution of mankind has allowed man to explain what was previously an unfathomable event. In the past, when civilization is still in the budding stage and science was not advanced, man would attribute religious explanations to account for the same sight that we saw today. One only need to look at the mythologies of several age-old cultures to understand what I'm referring to.
For example in chinese culture,solar eclipse is thought to be the devouring of the sun by the heavenly dogs. ( Oh yes, they believe there are dogs in the sky! ) And in indian mythology, people had thought that the earth was overwhelmed by evil spirits that had temporarily cast off all the lights in the world.
And of course, another theme that stems off from this discussion is the symbolical or maybe even literal meaning of the sun as being an entity of "brightness" and "life". It is thus not surprisingly that in most cultures, there are practices which transcends the sun to a god-like status as people worshipped the yolk for its life giving abilities.
However, if one were to take a step back and analyse the behaviour of man, it is inevitable that one would ask such a question : what is man hoping to achieve by developing seemingly advance instruments that will aid them in unraveling such phenomenal sights? What is man's desire when they worshipped the sun?
Ultimately, is it not man's wish to understand and become closer to what they think is god? Ultimately, by hoping to unravel the mystery of cosmology, is man not trying to seek answers to explain outer-worldly phenomenon?
And as astrologists and scientists celebrate their success over the accuracy of their scientific equipments and predictions, does man really know all the answers to what they have observed?
If man thinks that by having the answers to all phenomenon, he has advanced his status to be nearer to God, then he is wrong. For the Lord is higher and more almighty than the thoughts of man. And this awareness is perhaps the underlying theme of today. =)

2009-07-20T19:32:00.002+08:00

Life is bittersweet.
There is a balance of the good and the bad.
There is illness; yet there is also healing
There is death; yet there is also life
There is condemation; yet there is also redemption
There is hatred; yet there is also forgiveness
Perhaps the people in this world who are enveloped by negativity and bitterness are the very people who dwell only on the negative side of things.

Confession of a bird murderer

2009-06-15T19:18:00.003+08:00

Ha..yea..so I killed the bird I was supposed to save. Actually..manslaughter..opps..I mean birdslaughter is a better word.

I actually thought I can brush that matter to the back of my mind until you guys mention it today. Actually I felt guilty..you think I dont?

And you could still joke about what punishment a person would get for bird-slaughter. And you really thought that I was as unfazed as I looked? Was I supposed to cry over it?

I know it was my mistake..but really..my intention was to save the bird. I hadnt thought that it would suffocate in the plastic bag that I had painstakingly gone to look for just so that it will not be further injured due to my mis-HANDling. Yea..maybe I should have just carried it in my hands huh? Maybe it wouldnt have died of asphyxiation then.

I wish the soul of that little bird has now gone to Heaven. To a place where there is no pain and suffering. Then, I'd feel better.

2009-06-13T09:07:00.002+08:00

Its the little things in life that touched me.

Adventurous car ride

2009-06-12T09:15:00.002+08:00

Had an adventurous car ride yesterday

with a driver who is still on P licence

The kind of car ride that will put Escape theme park to shame

And my dad and mum screaming in horror

upon learning that their daughter's safety

Was just guaranteed by a filmsy car safety belt

2009-06-10T19:07:00.002+08:00

Arh..I got bitten by a dog yesterday!
Now it left a scar on my left arm.
To be specific..my lower left arm.
I just hope there's no such thing as a mad dog disease.
Dog flu anyone?

2009-06-07T12:36:00.001+08:00

Damn good food
At a damn good price
At Peace Garden
All thanks to
the Medical Sociology prize!

Medical sociology book prize

2009-06-03T19:01:00.004+08:00

It's official! It has been announced that I am the recipient of the Medical Sociology book prize 2009.

What Dex had often jokingly predicted throughout this semester had now become a reality. It all seemed so surreal..just like a plot out of my own fantastical world.

Ever since it was made known to the class that there is going to be a book prize for SC2211, Dex and I had been joking that if either of us gets it, the winner must treat the other person to a meal.

Then, what seems like mere talk unfolded into action-packed melodrama the moment I spotted Dex's SMS to me last Saturday. I still remembered clearly that in that SMS, there were only 2 lines. But I could somehow sense some urgency and excitement just within that 2 lines which says " hey! call me! "

Then as I exit the option in my handphone, I spotted another sign which suggests that something or some massive event is blooming. I had 2 missed calls, also from Dex. All within a short span of less than an hour.

Could it be... .....???

My heart skipped a beat, probably two. I then called Dex..that call was sort of like the "phone-call of my life". The series of events that were to unpack later would probably stay in my mind for as long as I do not have amnesia.

I still recall that Dex's first words to me were " whey..you are going to give me a treat already". Maybe those aint his exact words but he said something to that extent. When I heard it, I knew straightaway what he meant but I couldnt believe it.

Surely,I had gotten A+ for that module and that means I am the top few scorers. But to be the top scorer? I mean..how many top scorer can there be in a module? I mean..how many times in life can one actually top something? I mean..this is university man. How easy or rather difficult it is to emerge top in a module in university? I mean..dex..you mean I'm really going to give you a treat? P.S. the last sentence of this paragraph is for joking purpose only. But the rest in this paragraph are real thoughts that crossed/raced/ran through my mind.

A check with the module website confirms it all. Yes..the dust have settled and the fact established. And a treat to my dear friend is inevitable. In fact, the treat has been set on this Saturday.

P.S. : this is the first time that I'm giving a treat so willingly. Simply because this is a treat to celebrate my success and to reward myself for my hard work. This is clearly what distinguishes this treat from the many ( read : few ) treats which I had given in the past.

Now this is the credit part. For those who have already dozed off..please try to stay awake because this is the most important part of this entry.

Apart from giving thanks to my papa..my mama...I would like to thank the most important One in my life. And that is God!

It is He who makes all things possible. It is He who has the ultimate source of wisdom. It is He who has the ability to calm a perturbed mind and give me clarity of thoughts during exams. It is He who brings me through the many challenges in life no matter what the test might be. I thank you Lord for showing me miracles and helping me to understand the importance of hard work.

Life's reflection

2009-05-30T10:05:00.002+08:00

Looking at my results which was released yesterday, I feel both joy and pain.

Joyful because I've improved my CAP and this makes year 3 of my uni life, the best year ever. Gotten a GPA of 4.5 for both sem 1 and 2. This also means that together with the GPA of Year 2 Sem 1, I have managed to achieve 3 sems of first class GPA.

Pain..because of the opportunities that I have wasted during Year 1 Sem 2. I was battling with the devil in my heart during that time and that affected me alot emotionally. Indeed, the biggest enemy is sometimes thyself. If only...

Oh well..1 last year to go..and I have heard from seniors who had been through honours year that this is the toughest year.

Am I worried? Sure I am. But I know that my Lord will carry me through his spirit wings.

There are many beautiful things in life awaiting...

2009-05-29T14:07:00.002+08:00

the "angel" wears prada

who's that little boy in the middle?

Perplexity

2009-05-24T12:58:00.003+08:00

A recent rejection from KM, a potential thesis mentor has indeed caused me some disappointment. Is this a sign that I should be approaching XXX to be my mentor instead?

Oh Lord, I pray to you in such times of perplexity and confusion.
That your healing hands may offer moments of solace
That your Light will show me the way and the direction out of this situation
So that I will be matched with a mentor who has the time, patience and wisdom to supervise me. A mentor who can stretch me to my fullest potential and yet be nurturing enough to teach me many of the things that I do not know.
Lord I commit this honours thesis to you..from the beginning to the end.
So that no matter what obstacles I meet along the way, father, I know that I have nothing to worry because it is all in your perfect plan.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

Words of encourgement

2009-05-19T19:09:00.002+08:00

Best words of encouragement I have heard of late :
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” – 2 Timothy 1:7 –

To the one who offered me these precious words..a million thanks to you!
To the God whose grace casts out fear in my life..thou art greatest!

2009-05-17T15:13:00.000+08:00

Been so busy these past few days. Perhaps even more busy than school term.

Friday has been great. Started my so-called internship with my organisation and learnt some of the agency's protocol. Should be useful when I start work next time because by then, the protocol should be nothing new to me. The best part of the day was the pool with the secondary school kids. Won the round with my partner much to my partner's jubilee ( and my own amazement ). Didnt know that I can still play fairly well despite the lack of practice.

Then came Saturday-a day I pretty look forward to because of the outing with Jo & Dex. Note to self : didnt know that there are more than 1 Pan Pacific Hotel in Singapore. The 3 of us went to the wrong branch at City Hall when we should be at Orchard. Thanks to Dex's generousity,we then hailed a cab to the Orchard branch where we had our lunch buffet there. Then walked around town area and realised that many new buildings are sprouting up in Orchard area. There is the Orchard Ion and another new building ( which I dont know the name ) along the stretch of road at Somerset.

The 3 of us roamed around from malls to malls; testing out perfumes,looking at clothes and I had to be their guinea pig by trying out some high heels which seriously challenged my sense of balance. I tried this heel which I seriously suspect that no sane women would wear because it just makes walking even on level ground sound like Mission Impossible. Ahh..but then again,in the name of vanity, its no surprise that there will still be people who are willing to splurge their money on such shoes which will lend an aid to those vertically challenged *ahem*. I tried this pair of crimson red high heel that looks uncannily like the pair found on the cover page of the book " the devil wears Prada ". Joked with Jo that for my case, its more of like " the ANGEL *louder ahem* wears Prada " much to her disgust.

2009-05-14T13:18:00.002+08:00

Status : Currently leading a frivolous lifestyle.
Thou has just came back from lunch at Sembawang. Went there just because there is a new eatery and I only wanted to savour their Japanese food. Had no choice but to announce that yours truly has somehow evolved into a fun loving hedonistic creature =P

Sun kissed

2009-05-12T10:29:00.003+08:00

The look of a sun-kissed complexion is just so irresistable. Especially so after my *slightly* tanned look after the Botanical Garden outing last Saturday.

Note to self : My sun-tanning plan shall commence this Sunday.

2009-05-07T08:46:00.001+08:00

Chill out time...
Currently enjoying the serenity of it all..

Breakthrough

2009-04-21T14:18:00.000+08:00

Hungry for a breakthrough
Been thinking how I can excel
And push all boundaries
Those invisible boundaries
Which I have constraint onto myself
Ever since Day One

I've tried things which I have
Not done before this sem
Will my efforts pay off
In the end?

Restless Mind

2009-04-20T11:33:00.001+08:00

This restless mind
Will soon recieve rest
After my quest for
Self betterment
In the following weeks
To come